just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
