That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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