ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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