Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
