I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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