We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
