all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
