if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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