Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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