so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
