The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
