saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
