you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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