About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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