You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
