I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
