Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
