I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
