He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
