you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
