Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
