from now on my penis is your penis
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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