I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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