Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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