i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
