I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
