I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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