chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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