yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
