dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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