You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
