My sheets look like a crime scene.
I look better un-naked...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
