Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
