It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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