"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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