everyone is single if you try hard enough
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
