they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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