I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
