dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
