dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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