When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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