we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize