I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
