My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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