I am midnight drunk by noon
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
