If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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