So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
