Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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