what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
