So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
