I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
