I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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