Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
