I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
