Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
