Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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