Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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