So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
