I wish my penis had an off switch
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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