And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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