White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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