sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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